Misery and Pain leads to one of two things: Death or Perseverance
This is the story of Emily’s crystal meth addiction and ultimate triumph over what could have been seen as a lost cause. With horrible statistics like “only 5% get clean after meth addiction” it’s easy to get discouraged. Reading a story like this is a reminder to never doubt the tenacity and courageousness of the human spirit.
At one point in my life I was completely hopeless, out of control, and missing. I had scars on my arms and legs from the cuts that I inflicted on myself just to be able to feel something. I was smoking crystal meth and snorting Oxycontin daily. My life was spent dancing on a pole letting men feel all over me just to be able to afford the next hit that I was going to take in the clubs bathroom. My body had just become a thing to me, respect for myself did not exist instead it was replaced by a false sense of confidence that I exuded to all those who came in contact with me. I hated my parents, my life, and myself. I thought I was crazy- bipolar, schizophrenic, manically depressed, and every other thing I could self diagnose myself with by looking on the internet. It was to the point of misery that I don’t even think Mr. Webster has words to describe. I lashed out at everyone and everything around me. I did drugs to feel what I thought was normal but my problems and emotional distress went far beyond the drug use itself. The drugs were my comfort, my last problem I thought.
On October 9, 2005, I hit that “bottom” that you hear people who have struggled with addiction talk about. I remember the moment like it was yesterday. I had this sudden realization that I was sitting in a hospital..all alone..high..and wondering why I was covered in blood. Where were my “friends”? The same people that I had considered my family because my family had shut me out emotionally since the time I was 14?? You know those same people that were there with me every night while we got high??
The doctor came in and let me know that last hit I had taken had killed my unborn child. I hit the floor in utter panic for I was so lost in myself I had never even know that I was pregnant much less even beyond my first trimester. Trembling and hysterical I called my mother and she of course didn’t believe me, because like a typical addict- lies flowed out of me like it was my native language. I left that hospital with the numbest feeling that started in the roots of my hair all the way down to the soles of my feet. I was slowly realizing that I had no clue what I was doing, who I was, or of anything I wanted to be. Emily, as I thought I knew her, was gone.
I had become the drug- you might as well renamed me Crystal.I left that hospital drove home and layed in bed- not crying..not speaking…just staring at the ceiling completely inside myself trying to search for something anything that was left of who I used to be. I needed anything to cling on to..just to know that I was still alive. I called my mother once again and between falling to the floor because my 82 pound body was so weak without the drugs, I uttered the words “I am ready…I need help.” Within the hour she had plane tickets for me to fly to her house. I left everything- my clothes, my car, my jewelry, EVERYTHING — I barely made it to the airport falling over and trembling the whole way. I got escorted on to the plane and arrived in Florida. My mom took me off the plane and immediately started yelling at me. I couldn’t believe her response. I thought she would be happy to see me and glad that I was attempting to get help. The cycle of our conversation was repeatedly she yelled…I stared blankly at her…she questioned why…I numbly just would answer I don’t know. She put me on the phone with a man named Paul Weiss, at Narconon Arrowhead in Oklahoma. He was trying to describe a program to me that would “help me get my life back”..but all I could hear was blah blah blah and so I would repeatedly hang up on him because I was just sooooo tireed..At the airport the next day I got in an all out screaming war with my stepfather, who was putting me on a plane to go to rehab in Oklahoma. It was not because I didn’t want the help, I just honestly didn’t think it was possible to help me. I thought I was meant to be this completely miserable person that I must have a chemical imbalance or some other thing that taking medication would cure. His words to me were “Fine I will buy you a plane ticket back to Lafayette, Louisiana but don’t you dare ever talk to us again because you are already dead.” He put it in such a manner that I realized that from the outside someone could see just exactly how I was feeling on the inside. I had felt like this for many years but no one could ever tell. I was a master manipulator and could hide it and put on a front that I was confident, happy, and secure like anyone you had ever seen. My mask was ripped away from me in that moment and all my fears and insecurities were layed out in front of everyone at the Continental airport ticket counter. I begged him to please buy me a ticket to Oklahoma I would go…I would have done anything at that moment. I was absolutely miserable, so miserable that the idea of killing myself just seemed like it would take too much energy to accomplish.
I took the flight to Oklahoma entered into the doors on Narconon Arrowhead and from that moment Emily, the real Emily started to come out of hiding. I had abused myself so much that I hid from myself.Now 3 years later- I have never looked back. I have no remorse for things I have done because it has made me the person I am today– I am unbelievably happy, confident, and healthy. I have formed relationships with my family that even before I started using drugs were not even possible. I am a dedicated, responsible mother of a beautiful 18 month old son. I have gone to college and have a future that cannot be taken away from me. I no longer experience depression instead I have a healthy way to embrace sadness. I have learned how to talk to people and form meaningful relationships that don’t just dwindle down to nothing within a few months. I owe my life and happiness to Narconon and the methods it uses..