Comment - Ok there is no one who knows my whole story so i guess i will start from the beginning of emotions i didn't want to deal with. I remember growing up without my dad who is also an addict.my mom was constantly being abused which made me feel helpless and hopeless at a young age.i so badly wanted a way out.jumping forward when i was 14 i met the father of my children and thought i found the answer and the way out to all my problems.He seemed to love me to no end i planned out my future around him.By 16 i was drinking alcohol excessively,lying,cutting school,stealing,cutting myself,running away, taking dxm.So i was messed up before the drugs came into my life, i had already made a decision to self sabotage my life.when i was 17 i found out i was pregnant with my first baby.i was excited because i was going to have someone love me no matter what.i felt neglected growing up and lost.This feeling wasn't because i didn't have love or people who cared it was because i wanted more than a grandma who had to get payed to watch me and my sister and a mother who had to work all the time.Not because she wanted to but because she had to .But at this time my emotions towards my living situation were that what ever man was in her life would and could take the place of her kids.So for that i felt like i had to be a mother figure to my youngest sister.I also felt very alone.Before i gave birth to my first child my grandma had died who i was very close to and my child's father had a history of cheating so once again i felt alone and abandoned.After i had my first daughter is when i tried marijuana for the first time and began drinking and taking Vicodin all of which made me feel better or so i thought at the time.Through me using these drugs i felt a sense of completion and
wholeness for the first time.As all addicts of course the weed wasn't doing it for me anymore and no one would prescribe me Vicodin anymore so i drank more which turned to be an everyday thing.I still did not see a problem but i wanted these things to make me feel better.[emotionally] so of course my answer was to buy the Vicodin on the street and buy more weed, which i did until i found out i was pregnant with my 2nd child. so of course sobriety had taken place.9 months later i had given birth.As i left the hospital i was exhausted so i did not think about drugs or drinking until i came home after a month or two so i picked up right where i left off with now an addiction to Percs and Vicodin which were easily accessible after having a child.i began taking those about 2 at a time to 3 to the whole bottle and drinking again and smoking weed.about a month or two after my 2nd child's
birthday i tried meth for the first time and on that first night i partied like i was on top of the world with nothing to lose which was far from reality.I had everything to lose and my mind,body and spirit were the first to go along with my morals,my kids,my apartment,my education,and my job.This all happened in about a month or two into me using because my house soon turned into the dope house.Everyone was at my house all day and night.People i didn't know and wouldn't have associated with if it weren't for meth.The police were constantly at my house all hours of the day and night every night for months. Among me using i had stolen alcohol for a party and ended up catching a court date that i of course refused to show up for because of my drug use.I soon had a warrant out for my arrest.Which ended up in many jail visits.from the moment i picked up the pipe i swore i would die that
way and i stopped caring. I later on experimented with other drugs such as Ecstasy, cocaine,muscle relaxers,spice,ect.What led me to getting clean the first time was moving to another state with my dad but that only lasted 61 days.Then i relapsed thinking it was okay for me to drink like a normal person and then smoke weed normally but once again i picked up the pipe and could not stop on my own. so after many months on the drugs i later caught a 5 felony joint suspension with 5 years in prison but managed to bail out on a loop hole in a different county because of a warrant for stealing the alcohol i mentioned earlier.So i went to jail June 5th six days before my first child's birthday.When i was incarcerated i found god and attended church while dealing with guilt and shame for my actions.Upon my release i received my children from their father and returned to L.A county , i swore i
was done because i wanted to stay clean and sober and complete probation the right way . That didn't happen 5 months after i was released from jail i began drinking once again, then along that road hit some weed but as always it wasn't enough. i had found some meth in an old purse and used during Christmas and was smoking spice. i didn't abuse the meth right away but eventually i was once again obsessed on it i began to use more and more i got kicked out of my outpatient programs [both of them] i stopped testing for probation set up an inpatient treatment program that took me another month to take. i told myself i would never shoot up but that ended up happening and i went into rehab looking like a pin cushion and i once again was still faced with my biggest fears and pain so i took recovery in rehab for what i could and today i have 10 months clean and am coming up on 1 year april.6th
It is not an easy fight but today my life and the lives around me are worth fighting for all i have to do is not pick up no matter what.another thing i learned is if nothing changes , nothing changes.
I want to say you are never alone in your addiction.